I detach so easily
From this reality
My mind's far off
And my bodies
Asleep
That now I feel
So lost
From too much
Distance of interest
That my whole worlds
Off in the delusion
Of normalcy

And they say
It can be done
That life is salvageable
If you just have
Some fun
But me
I see the rotting truth
That things stay tainted
Even after a wash

And maybe death is close
So close I can taste it
Now
Now with my wit
My wisdom and sorrow
I can pass on somberly
And not worry about tomorrow

Yes my worries
My pains and sufferings
They are nothing in light
Of my gifts and blessings
But even those seem so
Broken and old
That my heart cannot settle
For them anymore

And who am I hurting
If I give in to this
Demon that's following
Only I know the truth
And that's a lot of
Cross bearing
Do I seize this curse
And turn it into a
Cure that saves me
From eternal burning

And thus I ask myself
Where have I gone
To wander so far
And see no return
How lost am I if
There's no end in
Sight
What's to become
Of this reality
I set forth to
In plight.

Sweet
Just like a breeze
In the summer sun
By a beach
Of irresistible
Yearning to
Be closer
To you

Tender
Just like a fruit
Ripe in the season
Of the country side
Of strong intuitions
Driving me to
Be closer
To you

Warm
Just like a fire
Crisp and snappy
Of the bark oh so rare
Feeding the fire to
Be closer
To you

Bright
Just like a star
Distant yet possible
Of the night sky
So quiet and secure with
Having you near by

I wanna believe my
My my my
Stories going to be
Told

I wanna know my
My my my
Decisions aren't
Changing their minds

I wanna see my
My my my
Hopes come alive
Again

I wanna feel my
My my my
Emotions as they're
Meant to be felt

I wanna leave my
My my my
Ideas somewhere someone
Can find when I'm gone

And that's all
That's all

Is this a game
We love to play
A tragedy
We mask
With solemn looks
And tired eyes
That close too fast
Tell me something
Good today
Don't remind
Me of yesterday

There is a sound
Slow to make me rise
But rushes blood
To my heart

These are the words
We love to let hang
Once we let them free
Waiting for
Something bigger
To join them
Or tear them down
In the after math
Of you and me

There is a face
Haunting the memories
That once lived beyond
The mind

Is this where
The world sits
After everything
Floats on
In a gust-less
Atmosphere
Of silence
Marking the hours
With which we
Erased from history
Just moments ago

Clean
And wet
Sober
And fresh
These are
The things
That keep
You sane
And fed

Run now
Run
Don't let
Them catch you
Yet

A melody or two
A song for you
Let the dreamer's
Head fill with
A dreadful thread
Of possible love
Instead

Jump no
Jump
Don't trip
Over bundles of
Lies

And an hour
None the less
Falls into
The past
With no worm hole
To get back
Now that time is
Precious again

Avoid all leads
As if they were
Plagued by the ghosts
Of the sea

Sanity and rest
What a drugged up
Mess
To collect and collect
And then let them
All fall
Without any hesitation
At all

And a day of no
Production
Is a day of total
Destruction
To the constant
Building
We set out to
Construct
From day one

Breathe and be
Free
Don't get weighed
Down by confusing
Philosophies
Go out with purpose
And understandance
That life is
More than buildings
And asphalts
On which you walk on
But ideas and notions
That keep people
Going if nothing
Else like the sun
And nature around
Them makes
Them wanna get up
And love them

And the day of no
Production
Is a day of enlightenment
And growth that
We as humans need
Every time we go under

He's loving her
Making mistakes
Not realizing
He's almost too late
Why doesn't he just
Take his foot off the door
And let her in

She's smart and
Wonderful
Willing to be
His big eyed girl
And he's fallen
Half-way
Holding his hands
Out to grip
A rock of reality
Can he jump into her
Or should he crawl out
Like he had to do
Before

She's moved on
Bomb
After bomb
Of his trickery
Threatening her love
Like a hostage
Making sure it was
True

Silly boy
So wounded
And warn
Knowing exactly
What to keep in store

Does he now
After thinking
She may be gone?

I must say
Heavy sleeper
Snoring so
Soundly
Oh how I wish
You'd wake
And leave so
Silently

There is another
Much finer
And smarter
Who makes sense
Of a world beyond
Tomorrow
And you simply
Retire after one
Session
So why bother

As it's up to me
I can clearly see
The chump you make
Yourself out to be
But my lad doesn't
Care for such trinkets
He's far more advanced
Than you could think up

So I say rest up
This is the night
Where we part from
Lovely lusts and fantasies
For true love is a
Tastier wine
And a happier ending
My sad nymphomaniac

Camera angles
Cutting sharply
Into each scene
A soft noise
Hovers above

Panting and
A little
Sound comes
Out

Laying in a darkness
That engulfs
All light
Hardly making
A sound

Flashing back
An hour before
With a knock
On the door

"It's cold."
"I know."
"Can I come in?"
"It's late."
"Just for the night?"
"To sleep."

He kisses her
Soft and sickly
Interrupting her
Thoughts

Laying down
The cameras
Zoom in
As she tries
To sleep

Stumbling words
Of scripted lines
Fumble out like
Broken pieces of
Glass
Shattering everything

Quick breaths
Perverted ideas
Float out of
His mouth
And she lays there
In a sad dream

Quicker breaths
Forceful hands
The words she
Speaks make
No dent

He's telling
He's pushing
He's making
He's knowing
He's expecting
He's getting
He's coming

In lapse of time
She hears her
Own rhyme
Of forgetting time
Leaving it as if
It were a sad dream
Of indifference

Camera angles
Disappearing
Into fading
Grays
A dawn of
Empty sorrow
And sorry songs
In a morning light
All to real now

What can I say
That hasn't already
Been said
The words of many
Men come from
Mine
As If a woman
couldn't think
Of them

Understanding
My surroundings
In an orderly
Way makes me
OCD Ok
But then and
There I have
Stability
To this shitty
World

All you do is
Nothing but
Fight about
What is more
Important
When it doesn't
Matter at all
If it corrects something
In this fucked
Up hole
We love to
Trash

What's left to know
When everything
That is important
Really doesn't
Matter in the end
That no matter
Where choices take you
Along your journey
To a final resting
Place
You will meet
There
An end

Sheded tears
As words form
From a lonely
Mouth of a
Tired soul
And a determined
Heart

Were the sounds
I made alright?

A vulnerability
Trickling through
An exterior too
Hard by life's
Battles to be
Mistaken for
Detachment

Where else can
I lead you too?

Stories of times
Before here and now
But some how now
I'm lost in the
Present state of
Being near such a
Reality

What else can I
Know about this?

Opening a door
Of beautiful
Horrors
Ideas
Nonsense
And seeing
You aren't leaving

Concentration
Determination
Intoxication
And my minds
Expectations
Flooding the
Reality surrounding
Me

The sounds I wish
I heard
The words I wish
I knew
To form the things
That should condescend
The situation at hand
To make all other
Points moot

And this
My friend
Is the life
I lead
Because all else
Seems to flee
When approached
By me
In such a hurry
I make all else
Scurry

To slow it down
To make amends
To take as is
And not to wonder
To feel at ease
Not constricted
Or anything other
Than contentment
Just like others

Examination
Procrastination
Abominations
Of destructive thoughts
And realizations
That reality is
What you make it

Finding the prize
And realizing
You're too early
To receive it
Makes a heart
Heavy and sad

Confused on what
Time is trying
To do with you
And me
Because I'm thinking
This isn't coincidence
This isn't something
Just by chance

So why is time
Tricking our minds
If this is more than
The mere eye can see
How come it isn't
Turning out just like
I thought it would

Finding the prize
And realizing
You're too early
To receive it
Wakes the mind
To reality once
Again

Our words transcend into
The air around us
Dispelling into silence

Can I break these particles
Into what needs to be said?

Our working up
Our working down
From not saying much
To saying a little bit
About everything

Can you decide how to
Equate your words for me?

I've always been impatient
With time and feelings
Pushing until I discovered
All there was
But meeting you makes me
See I can't push or pull
Natural tides

Can we understand each other
Before it's too late?

Our words transcend into
The air around us
Dispelling into silence

A monster with in
I know I can control
But I give in to easily

He's calling
And your wondering
Leaving me in a
Tide of emotions
An under toe of thoughts

Falling into an innocence
I can believe in again
Happiness filling me up
After being so drained
But you aren't that near

Fleeting into a darker state
That still lingers so distinctly
Having eaten away everything
I once knew
And he calls me just like the rest

A monster with in
I'm losing faith
That it will win
Because I know you now

Here are the things
I can't stop thinking
And wish I had said

You make me smile
You make me laugh
Not forced
Nor too much
But constant
And full
An innocent laugh
That makes me smile
Even more

You make me sober
In every sense
And when I stand
Alone against
Everything else
I wonder what you'd do

You make me wonder
What else I haven't
Learned
Seen
Explored
With a less cautious hand
I grab for yours

You take my breath away
Starting from the bottom
Of my lungs until I quiver
For air again
Realizing how close
I almost let you in

You shake my world
And I question everything
I ever thought because
If this feeling's real
And lasts then maybe
These are things to think
About all in my head

And I was just wondering
If I make any sense
If I'm not alone in this

Intimate terror
You hold a flame
After swimming
In butane
Making a path
Of irreparable
Damage amongst
The lives of
Innocent girls

You take your
Hand aflame
And spike down
In rage of abandonment
In rage of torture
In rage of life
And all it's glories
All it's horrors
Bestowed on you
And you alone

Intimate terror
You bear spikes
And holes
Along your heart
And hold girls close
As your spikes
Pierce
Leaving an empty hole
When you are gone

You can't bring back
The life you had or
The life you dreamt
But now you
Stab into the dreams
Around you
Filling yourself up
From the air that
Escapes from others
And you hover above
Feeling mighty
Once again

Intimate terror
You crawl into
Their lives
Blindly bringing
Everyone down
Breaking
Shattering
Everything
So that you
Remain

Build her Bob
Build her up high
So you can tear her
Down

Tumbling bricks
Of legos
Scatter the floor
Her remains
Painting
The white floor

Build her Bob
Build her to tower
So you can blow her
Down

Must she tumble
And fall
When you push
Her so
Rubble crystallized
Reflecting all your
Faults
And it burns
When you see
Everything
Coming back at you

Build her Bob
Build her to shine
So you can see your
Fallen self

I curse like a sailor
And you smile
Take my hand
And we sit and wonder
For a while
About the seven year
Conversation
And what everything
Means

I play up the
Scene in my head
Was that a dream
Or did you really
Kiss my hand

Bumping heads
And I'm a virgin
All over again
So coy
I know we
Aren't just
Toys
But living
Breathing beings
And I'm nervous
Like I've never
Been before

I play up the
Scene in my head
Was that a dream
Or did you really
Kiss my forehead

Sitting wondering
If I have any chance
Of being your friend
Because intoxicated
Or not you
Make me smile
Like a school girl
And I'm praying
This isn't all
In my head

Your hug
Shuddering
From the
Inside out
Made me believe
In innocence
Again

You took
My hand
Kissed it
Then my
Forehead

We spoke
Of the
Seventh year
Wonder
That we broke
In less
Than 24 hours

Coffee
And creepy
Peeper kept
Us moving
Until we
Parted ways
Then sleep
Came
But not
Without the
Thought of you

Now tell me
Am I just
A fool?

Am I listening
Seeing
Believing
Anything
Real

Scorned
Perceptions
And I come
To know
People
By the
Commercials
They let me
View

Channel flipping
My own visions
Flip books
I've made
Won't stop
Flipping
Drowning underneath
The world
I love so much

A real moment
In time passes
And I think
Twice about it
Ignoring all
Other moments
Until I'm awoken
Again

Am I listening
Seeing
Believing
Anything
Real

My disguises
Hold various
Pretenses
Of an
Inner Id
Running away
Cutting through
Threads that
Are sane

And he knows
What I'm
All about

Savaged and
Cunning
Id takes
Everything
Leaving smudges
On the wall
Where I reside
Waking up
Not knowing
The person
I went to
Bed as

And he knows
What I'm
All about

Conversations
Id carries on
And I just
Want to know
If it's what
I want as well
But the pleasure
Of controlling
An outcome
Makes Id
Feel so well

And he knows
What I'm
All about

Id's a monster
The monster
Inside me
Calling attention
To horrible things
And if I have no
One to blame
But myself
Then I say
Blame my Id
He's responsible
For everything

His bounds
Are below
Himself
As he steers
Everyone
Off a cliff

His broken
Bridge
From heart
To mind
Lays crumbled
Beneath him

He drives
Around
Looking for
A similar
Sound he
Once had found

As dust
Picks up
And swirls
Around him
He lures others
With a mocking sound

To drive off
In the distance
Letting go
But weighed down
By his disease
They can't resist

As he believes
His right
Is what he wills
Upon those
Who simply wish
To rid his ills

His bounds
Are below
Himself
As he steers
Everyone
Off a cliff

So let
Us begin
As if I'm
Sane

I go to school
Haven't dropped
Out

I get ok
Grades
And no one
Says a thing

I haven't killed
Anyone or
Myself

Other than that
I'm loosing it

I think about
Dying
About floating
Into nothing

I've become
The worthless
Shit
I've always thought
And still I seek help

So now let us
Say I'm insane

I dream of killing
Myself
Others

Dying in
Accidents
On purpose
Willingly
Unwillingly

Into fire
Of hell
I walk
Knowing I'm not going
Anywhere

And I am
Half and Half
So take that

Like the
Veins that
Feed the blood
Into the
Uterus
The egg
A baby comes
From
And the sperm
That invades
I am your
Daughter

It's because
I'm you
Just like you

I am
You
Worn and
Falling
Into the
Abyss
This world
Has come to
You tried
To teach me
Different
But I found out
The truth

It's because
I'm you
Just like you

How dare you
Knowing
Or not
Try to tell
Me I'm
No good this
Way
Born to your
Faults
I've done my
Best
And still that
Doesn't do

Genes
You couldn't
Erase
I wonder why
You can't
Help me

It's because
I'm you
Just like you

Throwing
Hitting
You believe
It's as easy
As 123 to
Forget
Everything that
Went on
The yelling
The hitting
The pain
I saw

It's because
I'm you
Just like you

And it was you
Who was at fault
I the child
Witnessing
Everything
And now you
Wonder
How I came to be

It's because
I'm you
And you
Hate yourself

Ripping into
His skin

He's knocked
Out
Drugged
Dead to
Reality
And
What's to
Come

Burning
With hot
Heavy
Metal
That singes
All fibers
Of his
Disgusting
Existence

It smells
Like he's
Nothing
Nothing
Anymore
As his fumes
Evaporate into
The air

I wonder
What that
Smell is
And I know
It's his
Demon soul
Burning in
Hell

Hell from
Whence he
Came
And he came
Inside me
When I said no
I froze up
But I said no

Biting his
Ears off
Taking his
Dick and cutting
Into it
Until he wakes
Then continuing
'Till he passes out
I'd burn it in
Acid
Then feed him the
Remains when
He awoke

And I'd
Tell him
Just as much
As I've told
Everyone
I'd tell him
He was wrong
About me
I'm not as
Nice as I seem
To be

Ripping through
A woven sheet
Of despair
Hoping that
Making a tear
Will make
A sound
Somewhere

And if that
Makes me
Sane
Then I'm not

And if that
Makes me
Insane
Then I'm not

Shredding
An impossible
Layer of
Doubt
That blurs
Everything
There's none

And if that
Makes me
A little right
Then I'm not

And if that
Makes me
A little wrong
Than I'm not

Bursting through
A cloud
Of confusion
A haze
To thick
To reason
How it dispels
Into the
Surrounding air

And if that
Makes me
Awake
Then I'm not

And if that
Makes me
Asleep
Then I'm not

Breaking through
That glass wall
Because for so
Long I knew
There was nothing
Behind it
Nothing
As I walk
Away back
Into the world

Big and Wide
You open
Your eyes
And see the
Sunlight
For the
First time

Corneas burning
You wish you
Weren't hurting
From a
Illuminating
Hope you set
Out only to
Be burnt down

The world
Was so lite
Now it just
Seems pointless
To be holding
A candle
Of a flame
So small
To a place
Turned off

Shutting tightly
Your eyes
Close quickly
For the darkness
You create
Is much safer
And comforting

She wants to
Bite into
That red licorice
Of juiced up
Veins
Tearing and shredding
As her blood
So sweetly
Falls
Into her lap
Pooling
Sticky and sweet

She wants to
Take her lungs
And have fun
Blowing bubbles
With them
Filling them
With air
As she's always done
Pink and round
On her mouth

She wants to
Rip out her
Heart
A jaw breaker
Of all jaw breakers
And with her
Sugar teeth
Break at the crack
Left behind
Into powered sugar
Until it
Coats her

She wants to
Pull her brain
Of nougat out
And play
And pull
And just forget
Everything
Intertwined in it
Shoveling the
Sugar coated memories
Down her throat

I want
To disappear
Into the
Nothingness
I fear

I want
To know
It won't
Happen to
Another
I want you
To believe

The horror
The guilt
The pain
The complete
Numbness
Of everything
Being torn
And ripped
Away
Like a blindness
Onset by
Someone who
Blurs your
Vision
To take
Something from
You
And running
Leaving you
Stranded

I want you
To know
And understand
It happens
Whether you
Know the man
Or not

I want to
Break
The silence
Of the nightmare

And I'm running
Running hard
I'm not really
Looking
At anything
As I go
But the ground
Beneath me
Can't catch me
So I must
Beat it
With my feet

Flying in the
Air as I land
On my own
My soul
Burnt with
Exhaustion
Ashes behind
Me now

I'm not
The same girl
Arising from
That sunrise
Of golden
Innocence
But the girl running
Toward
A setting sun
Of a golden ending

Why won't something
Come to me
As I sit here
So happily

I smile
Making no
Steps out
The door

And my phone
Doesn't ring
Anymore
So it must be
Time to move on

Oh wait
But here
You call me
Telling me
You listen
To my words

And I want to
Know
If friends
Can go there
And back
Maybe I'm
Wrong
And maybe
I'm right

I'm happy
Now come to me
Pot of gold
I'm hungry

Neurons
Ions
Synapses
Chemicals
Imbalances
And her
Worlds
Tilting

Sideways
And frontways
Backwards
And forwards

Underneath
There's
Atoms
Trying to connect
To other
Atoms
But losing
With every
Journey
Because there's
No real
Way to go

I wanna know
What trust
Is

A lock and key

A balance
Of speech
And hearing

A ying and yang

A gut feeling

A proven knight
Or friend

A pact

A blood promise

A heated
Hate
I can taste in

My mouth

I hate you
I hate what
You took

You shook
My tree
Everything
Falling off
At in spook

Shock
I became
Naked in
Seconds
And shattered
In silence

I hate you
I hate what
You took

Now you're gone
And I'm walking
Around so confused
So desensitized
To my life
Nothing has joy
Everything has
A shadow
Behind it

I hate you
I hate what
You took

I was coming
Back from
Being numb
Believing
I could live
With some sunshine
But upon darkness
You came creeping in
Demanding it was
Our right
Your right

I hate you
I hate what
You took

But most of all
I hate myself
For ever laying
Sights on you

It was me
In that movie
Of a girl
Who lost her
Voice

I laid there
Tired
Being drawn
Out of a dream
Into a nightmare
So real

It was me
In that movie
Of a girl
Who fell apart
In bed

In a haze
My daze left
Me un-alert
He touched me
Sour & greasy
All I know
Is he was a walking
Bar
Toxins cuddling me
In the worst way

STOP
GO TO
SLEEP
IT'S JUST
A NIGHTMARE

You smiled
Because you thought
It'd soon be over

Just say no
Push him off

Just say no
Push him off

Just say no
Push him off

Just say no
Push him off

It's not your fault
That girl was you
That girl is you
It's not your fault

I laid there
Stupid
I wish I had
Screamed

'Cause when
I bit him
He thought
He was so good

I just wanted it
To be over
Laying there
Numbing everything
Inside of me
Pulling my clothes on
Like it was nothing

Then embracing him
I wanted him
To finish swallowing me
I wanted to disappear
Into him
After he took so much

This movie in
My head is playing
Over and over
In slow motion
The movies been made
And I once was that girl
But I know how it ends now
Her voice comes back

Chilling
At a show
I never
Paid for
These actors
On stage
Hold everyone
Captive
But me

Before the
Curtain call
I crept around
Like an invisible
Being
I saw
Ghosts of
Performers
Hovering
As broken
People tried
To stuff them
Back in
Trying to
Cake on makeup
Into their cracks
Where they
Kept escaping

Tired and lonesome
The summoned
These lost souls
Into a pretty shell
Once more

And as the lights
Came on
They would shine
Illuminated
In everyone's
Projection
Of inner turmoil
Yes these actors
Basked in the
Audiences desires
And showed them
Just how to live

The show must go on

I'm here
In this familiar
Place
After months
Maybe years
Without seeing
His face
And I'm fearful
Even now
Without seeing
It yet
That just being
Here
Is enough
For him to
Pull me down

It wasn't like
In the movies
Silence
And whispering
Filled the air

It wasn't like
In the movies
I was fully
Aware but
Too scared

It wasn't like
In the movies
When no means
NO
And he understands

It wasn't like
In the movies
Fighting seemed
Pointless when
He is pulling
Your hair

It wasn't like
In the movies
Because no justice
Rains on the guilty
But only on the victim

So you are. What you tell me, show her, and display for the show. So do show more. Acting as such with tight lips and loose ideas. You plead that you need to know and wish for more but shut up like clams when looked at truly in return. There is too much space between the 'you' that you shine light on and the 'you' that you hide away. Don't expect so much from the world if you're not willing to let it expect things from you. Thighter and tighter you pull on the vision you have of the world so that things seem stuck, seemless, and endless with no change in sight. A simple observation from a friend who somtimes feels like a project. No harsh words are intended in this but the moral of it all is an open door can lead to many more but behind all closed doors you'll never know.

It's an amounting pressure that builds
And binds
To a weak young girl who has nothing
In mind

She lays in her concious
But
Vicious in good time

So she wonders and ponders
All sorts of things
So she'd know just what
To say to men

'Cause if she continues
As werid as she is
She will end up alone
Sad and scared

But the truth is
My friends who've
Read

That this young girl
May was well be possibly
Dead

See to live in this
Life one must live
As it is willed
Or else it is nothing
Else but wasted
Ashes on this earth

So breath
Cry
Do as you like

But never ever
Question the power
Or life

I still believe
In what we
Could be

But we
Are so silent
It doesn't
Even matter

I still would
Like a chance
With you

But you've
Gone and forgotten
That I was just
A distraction

I still want
To know you
And what you're about

But we let
Desires get in
The way of innocence

I still wish
You'd think
Of me

But I know
It's hopeless
Writing this

It's like
The pain
You feel
After your
First cut
Slow and
Numbing
But real
All at
The same
Time

And the
Blood hits
The ground
Pooling
Beneathe you
Like rain
Drops so
Normal you
Almost forget
It's yours
And then
You remember
The sting
The cut
That brings
You back to
Reality

Thump thump
Goes your
Pulse as you
Run home
To your mother
In hopes she
Has the power
To make it
Heal much faster
And it's here
You learn
That she knows
As much as you
And your world
Is crashing
But it makes no
Sound

Tumping into
Nothing
Like air
Hitting thick air
And your breathing
Increases
But their's no
One near
To hold you
Like they know
Like they truly
Understand
No it's not
The same
It never is
So you realize
You go on
And do the
Best you can

Glad that
Good-bye
Is the end

Said it enough
Times in my
Head
Now reality's
Setting in
And letting
Go's the best
Decision
I ever made

I'm sorry
We can't be
Friends

Why are my days
Filling up with
Reminders of you

I am a woman
Who loves too much
And hates too soon

So why do I let you
Grab the best
And leave the worst
Take it
Or want nothing
At all

I stand before you
As a lover
A friend
A human
A girl
Who misunderstood

Believe me when I say
I don't regret a thing
I could have given you
Everything that was me
And still ended up
In this place
Of a forgotten face

Fell of the earth
When you let me
Out the door
Of that piece of
Crap you call a car

Fogive me if
My tone is bitter
And unsweented
Unlike the way I seemed
But you bestowed so much
And left me with nothing

Nothing of you
No hand of friendship
Just drunken calls
And acciedental misshaps
From your phone
I can't seem to forget
That number as much
As I've erased it

I try
But here in this
Place
Reminders of last
Summer seem like
Deja vu
Everything reminds me
Of you

Where's my time
Where's my brain
I know I shouldn't
Wallow or feel such
Despise against
You now
After all I knew
The rules of your
Game

Negotions spelt
Out so many times
Before
I try to take back
My self
But somehow
You linger in there

Why are my days
Filling up with
Reminders of you

I loved you
Much too soon
And can't hate
You fast enough
Can't hate you
For too long

Why are my days
Filling up with
Rmeinders of you

Burned you
To a T
But somehow
You pervailed
Insisting
You belong
Somewhere
In this life
You so easily
Erased

It's much too
Late to resolve
Anything
I've moved on
And so have you
Forgot I was
Alive
Felt like I fell
Off the face of
The earth with you
And now you come
Back as if laughter
And jokes can
Revive the friend
Before the loving
Pain

Please don't make
Me another
Used
Apolgies aside
I never said
Half the things
You made me feel
I know my mistakes
I know my worries
Sent you away
And I admit
I'm a troubled one
But friends are
Friends no matter
The time of day
Of the new loves
That come in
You wanted it
Know own up
To the gift
I give
And give back

Why are my days
Filling up with
Rmeinders of you
When you don't even
Want me in memories
Of yours
Bless me I'm a
Cursed woman
Who loves too much
And hates too soon

You know
when there's a face
you wish you could erase
but deja vu
won't let you?
And then
there are weeks
that go by
without words
said and
life seems to go on
'till they say hi.
Why's the why
so much bigger
when you
decide to drop by.
This place
is not the same
memories that replay
are missing something.
Erase.

Maybe then I can
Replace the mess
With some
Nice melodies
And tunes
That float
So clean and
Fresh
From my sticky
Reminders of
You that never
Cease to creep
Up on summer
Days
With breezes
To warm
To keep you cool
And chill
Like in winter
When you said my
Name so cooly
But as soon as
Ice melted
You forgot my
Name

I wish I could
Erase.
Deja vu teases
Me with thoughts
Of you.
Erase.

I'd rather
Be wrong
Than let you
Get a hold
Of me
Find my
Own answers
So that they
Are real
To me
Because
I can't
Understand
Your logic
It never
Made sense
As a child
I knew
I'd go farther
Forgive me
If I'm lazy
Because you
Never sent
Boundries
Or limits
You did the
Best
And now so
Am I

My time is waiting
On a suspended
Call
That was promised
Under drunken
Pretenses
I knew
The lies
Before they
Were even spoken

Now it's late
And you just
Fake all the
Bull shit you
Said cause
Now it's off
Your chest
Got to rest
'Cause the
The suns
Coming up

But I live in
Disbelief
No matter
What you
Say to me
I won't allow
Anything to get
Pass the
My own
Reality

My time is wasted
On those ill thought out
Melodies you sang
To me
When the sun was
Barely rising
So save yourself
Some rest
It was your own
Life test

Shucks
I've turned
Out all wrong
Haven't I?

You did your
Best
But it wasn't
Like you
Wished

I have a
Mouth
I use when
I see fit

And as you
Get older
You see me
In a different
Light

Maybe it's
Friendship
You seek
From me
But you don't
Speak

I have
Feelings
I express
When I wish

You mustn't
Fear the
Grown
Can take care
Of their own

You've lead
All you can
Don't misunderstand
Or feel left out
Because you never
Wanted to hear the
Truth from the
Start

DNA doesn't
Mean we
Must go
On as we
Are so happy

Plastered
Smiles
As we look
Away from
The reflections
That shine
So bright
You wear
Shades

We may share
Similar bodies
Types
But we
Speak so
Differently
From one mouth
Must have
Been distorated
In the womb

Estatic laughter
We call real
Family pictures
Line the broken
Walls with holes
The size of fists

And I know you
Won't understand
Things will remain
As they are
Because you
Never hear
Your own child

So untrusting
What makes
Me want to
Stay away
From the
Living

People
And people
Are nothing
More than
Me
Humans with
Hearts
Lungs
And tounges
That are
Free

So why do
I feel so
Caged
Chained to
Endless thoughts
That question
Everyone who
Wants a piece
Of me

I cannot trust
You
Her
And him
When you all
Run the same

With hearts
That eat others
Lungs that take
In someone
Else and out
Comes stale air
Tounges that lash
Out and cut like
Knives

So untrusting
What makes
Me want to
Stay away
From the
Living

You say you're different
Try to stand out
Make efforts
To be outside the
Norm
But you're one
Of them
A cow in the hurd
Bumping into
Stupid ideas

There is a difference
An exploration
That you don't attempt
You're ordinary
Plain and
Unextrodinary
So please
Just eat the
Pasture you
Piss in

Besides the insides
That pound and beat
From all disappering
Things that float
On endlessly
In outer spaces
I can't seem to
Understand
There is a tiny
Part that
Keeps it in

Besides the storms
That crash and smash
Into all existing
Things that melt
Away seemlessly
In darkend skies
I can't seem to
Believe
There is a way
Through this
Natural mess

Besides the persons
That come and go
Into all reality
Things that break
So easily
In my truths
I can't seem to
Know
Them when they
Arrive and leave
Me behind

Maker's marks
Are threaded
Through all
Thoughts
Lapping in
My mind

Underneath
Over top
Inside
Outside

Shaper's sharps
Are pierceing
Through all
Thoughts
Glued in
My mind

Cutting
Cursing
Around
Sideways

Builder's bonds
Are cemented
To all
Thoughts
Blown up in
My mind

Feeling
Falling
Breaking
Bricks of mine

A phone call
Undressed
And unslept
Unkept
In holes and
Hordes of her
Own

A day night
Twilighted
And swept
In lands and
Minds of her
Accord

A bit sight
Sounded
And shut in
From steps and
Seats of her
Thoughts

A wasteful wish
Whispered
And let go
For a simple and
Kind friend of
Hers

I'm fearing
Fear
Finding this
Hard and unknown
Passage closed
Off

I'm letting
Let
Deciding whether
To come or go
Into a knowing
Known

I'm being
Being
That is
Human and faulty
How about for
These

I'm losing
Lost
You can't win
Everything and me
So please
Let be

There is a madness
Beneath
That rips and tears
All of these
Sane thoughts
From this mind
This head of mine
And then comes
Endless sleep

But where and how
To make this real
Make to make
What is made to be
I cannot believe
How days will be

There is an insanity
Some where
I cannot hide from
Traveling in and out
Of sanity with the
Lights on
Where did all my time go
With you or
Out the window?

But when and who
To see this through
See to see
What is seen to be
I cannot know
How these things go

There is crazyiness
Inside
Desperate to bare all
Secrets and spites
That I hold
No matter the years
Passing by
I find emptiness
In fullness they
Fool themselves with

But what and why
To believe what they
Feed to feed
The hungry and sane
I cannot want
Any of these

My sadness
Fades
Every time
You make me
Mad
Mad
So mad
And you don't
Try to
Reverse
Anything
You've done
Being ignored
Doesn't help
At all

My sadness
Fades
Every time
You pretend
I'm not here
I'm not here
I'm not here
And you try to
Act like a dick
I'm sick of it

You are a dick
Why did it take
Me so long
To know it

I'm here
I didn't
Disappear
And yet
You still
See nothing
I make so
Many efforts
For you to
Believe in me

I'm here
I didn't
Leave
And yet
You still
Don't know me
I scream so
Much just
For you to
Hear me

I'm here
I didn't
Do what I
Should have
Done a long
Time ago
Let you go

Scream
And then maybe
There will be something
Something to appear
Something to be
There
And nothing more

Scream
And then maybe
There will be someone
Someone to appear
Someone to be
There
And nothing more

Scream
And then maybe
There will be nothing
Nothing to appear
Nothing to be
There
And something more

I can play
Ignore him
Too

I can play
Forget him
Too

I can play
Gone missing
Too

I can play
Lost message
Too

I can play
Invisible
Too

I can play
Just don't
Call peace

I just can't simply
Understand
And I may have
Been a little
Too much at hand
But I don't
Believe that was
Reason to forget
A friend
And if you were
Just using me
Then why stop
So suddenly?

I can know
So many things
But you keep me
Spinning no matter
The record playing
And I believe
In fate and destiny
You fit in somewhere
Somewhere
Someone
You mean something
To me
So why can't
You just let it
Be?

Broken bridges
I'd rather burn
If I had the guts
To tell you straight
Then simply go
My way

Broken land lines
I'd rather burn
If I had the time
To explain everything
Then never see
You again

Broken hearts
I'd rather burn
If had the power
To make you feel
Then I'd break your
Heart too

Situate the steam
Into my face
Cause you might
As well burn me
And create a
Get away at
The same time

Situate the signs
Into on big no
Cause you might
As well keep me
Away from you
At all costs

Situate the friendship
Into neutral
Cause you're just
Rolling away from me
And we finally put
A stamp on this end

Suiting the needs
Of something
Bigger than me
My mouth can't reach
The crystalized
Drinks
You pour for me

Computing the needs
Of him in bed
Stronger than me
My arms can't grab
The wants
You give to me

Spreading the needs
Of me in this world
More important than me
My head can't comprehend
The demands
You whisper in me

So long
Hello
Goodbye
To you
I was never
Enough
Not entertaing
Lacking in sparks
Lacking in passion
Hope my face
Didn't make you sick
Maybe if you knew
More I'd be a little
Less boring

So long
Goodbye
Hello
I was never
Surprising
Interesting
Intriguing
I wasn't pretending
You weren't kidding
There was chemistry
There were intentions
Hard and ready
But we blast right
Past them

So long
Goodbye
Goodbye
I'm not about to
Cry about
The sun setting
On this story
In the future
Please keep in mind
I was more than you
Could handle

What to say
When the day's
Just a miss
From ordinary
And plain

How's your
Dog?
How are you
Now?

What to say
When the plans
Gone aray
From a trip
And spin

How's your
Dad?
How are you
Now?

What to say
When the car
Door sticks
From a jam
And climbing

How's your
Day?
How are you
Now?

The touch
The feel
Of your hands
Feels old
Lost memories
And stale words
We said
We sent

The jokes
The laughter
We share
Isn't the same
There's no
Mystery to
Us anymore

The looks
The eyes
Aren't sparkling
With curiosity
Maybe we knew
We'd always be
Friends

But I'd be lying
If I said I wasn't
Just a tad sad
That our chemistry
Was lost in such
A horrible way
My friend

My indiscreation
Is with the
Possible answers
Possible fables

My dislike
Is with the
Possible truths
Possible lies

My insight
Is with the
Possible words
Possible blanks

My distraught
Is with the
Possible love
Possible hate

My own
Is with the
Possible me
Impossible

Suddenly I have to
Know the answers
Of what I am
What I was

Truly frightening
To acknowledge
Of what I am
What I was

I'm sitting here
Letting words
Say what I am
What I was

I'm wishing for more
In lines that
Are what I am
What I was

Maybe you'll understand
By holding out hands
To show what I am
What I was

I be
I am
What I was
What I did

The place of
A face
And known facts
Play on personality
That was
That is

I did
I was
What I am
What I be

The unknown parts
Of me
Suddenly piece together
That was
That is

I was
I did
What I be
What I am

To know somthing
Else
Would be unfathomed
That was
That is

I am
I be
What I did
What I was

Cheap thrills
Let's keep
Ensuing
The sins
That make
Us feel alive

Broken and
Trying to find
Solitude in
A mixed up
World with
Words being
Mispelt

Teenage girls
Hoping he'll
Stay now that
They made one
And teenage boys
Hoping she aborts

Cheap thrills
We can always
Get what we
Want in seconds
Time

He's hopeing for
Her skirt to rip
And she's hoping
He remembers her
Name
Why is it so hard
To find a lover
Without the love

Wars and peace
Fighting for
More in its place
Everyones opinion
Is wrong
So what's the answer
Then?

Cheap thirlls
Total lost
Is total found
Hanging from
Doorways
And their empty
Lives
Who's alive?

Twist the words into
Something
That represents this
Mess

I make it a daily
Chore
To understand the
Confusing

Stress this all into
Tunes
So I can hear the bent
Notes

I can't help those or
Myself
But I kill to make it
Comprehendible

Above all else I know
Parts
Won't make sense in the
End

I could
I should
Wait
But I'm done
Done
With all them

I would
I should
Look again
But you broke me
Broke
Everything I had

I should
I could
Forgive you
But you never call
Call
To show you care

I should
I would
Let you in
But we already know
Know
How that goes

Find me a
Good man
Please
Please
I'm desperate
In despair
Find me a
Good man

God
I'm alone
And I know
Why
But help
Me please
Find me a
Good man

I'm tired
Beaten
And unsure
Of everything
And everyone
Please
Just give me
A sign

Find me

It's not enough
No never
Ever
Can I be
All and more
I've just got
To give up
'Cause the sands
Pouring out
Through my veins
And time
Doesn't seem
To give a shit

But when did
Time ever
Give a damn?

It's more than
Simple problems
They keep telling
Me I'll get through
Something in
My head
Tells me
I'm sick
But it's nothing
Some pills can fix
They can fix me
Make me think
New again

But when did
That ever work
For the ones
Who drowned
On their own
Words?

It's probably
Something
I can't escape
I can't see
So I just lay
Here being
Being me
If it's too much
Then get out
'Cause I've had
Enough bull shit
From the world
From family
From friends
From myself

But I'm insane
So disregard
Everything
I've said

What does it mean
When you hold my
Hand

Under influences
You try to understand
But sleep is so near

What does it mean
When you can't sleep
Alone

Under covers
You hold out your hand
I'm right there

What does it mean
When my eyes are shut
Tight

I come over
For just the lonely
Night

What does it mean
When you call and I
Answer

I wish I knew
How to say no to it
All

Well
He's forgotten
He's forgotten
He's forgotten
Me

He said
He'd never
He'd never
He'd never
Stop talking

But
He's gone
He's gone
He's gone
Never calls

I thought
I'd cry
I'd cry
I'd cry
For love

Was it
Love
Love
Love
I felt

Or just
Your cock
Your cock
Your cock
That couldn't
Even hit the
Spot

And now I know
You've forgotten
You've forgotten
You've forgotten
Me

Spite
I write
You don't
Bite
That's alright

Check
Out broken
Glass
I broke
Through

Gotta go
To bed
Head before
You sleep
You love me

Fight
And take
It all out
On you
Don't get mad

Don't feel bad
I'm not letting
You in that easily
Not so quick
So step back

The saddest satisfaction
I call you when I know
You're no good for anyone
Don't know how to ween off

I don't hate you
I hate the things you do
The things you say
The things you don't mean
But say anyways

The saddest truth
I know about you
Is that you're not
Entirely bad
You're just too selfish
To stop what you do

I don't know you
I wish I did
I want to help you
But is it even worth it
Are you even willing
Or am I a waste like you?

The saddest night
Was laying next to you
Hearing you sigh and
Not being able to see your eyes
Knowing we both laid broken

I wish I could tell you things
I wish I wasn't so closed off
I wish you knew I don't love you
I wish you knew I use you to feel
If I even feel anything at all

The saddest thing
Is I don't think you care
It's OK I don't care either
And that's the saddest thing

Connie I copied you ahaha

what are you doing, at the moment? :
Trying to do homework but failing miserably

do you have sympathy for those who hurt you? :
Hmmmmmm yeah for the most part

are you a forgiving person? :
Yeah in time

what have you eaten today? :
FOOOD!!! Corn beef hash plus more

what time did you go to sleep last night? :
LOL 2

what are your plans for today? :
I don't know...Homework ahaha

when was the last time you cried? :
Hmmmm I good cry last month...it was unexpected of course

do you have any dirty little secrets?:
LOL yes shhhh ahahahaha

are you a bad person? :
I don't think so

who was the last person you talked to on the phone? :
Jon

if you could be with one person right now, who would it be?:
Hahahahahahah friends like Jon, Colleen, Connie, Kim, Elma of course

is there anything you should be doing right now?:
HOMEWORK

what are your plans for today? :
Not much

is there anyone that knows EVERYTHiNG about you?:
Yes for the most of it

what was the last movie you watched?:
Inglorious Bastards

is there anything you want to do today, but probably won't get to?:
Yeah

what's your favorite tv show? :
Oooooo at the moment idk

what time did you wake up this morning? :
Ehhhh around 10

how often do you check your myspace/facebook?:
Ughhhhh not much blahh

do you wear make-up? :
Once in a while

why are you taking this survey? :
I'm bored and avoiding homework

how many surveys will you take today? :
One

what's your most recent self-conflict? :
Probably my reocurring thoughts about drugs and some people

what do you want right now? :
Water

are you excited about anything?:
Super Bowl ahahaha

is anything bothering you at the moment? :
Ummmmm not really

is your room clean? :
Sort of ahaha

do you spend too much time at home? :
Nope ahaha

how are you today? :
I'm ok

does anyone get on your nerves?:
Marc, Biannca, Heather ahahaha idk annoying people ooo couples do too

what are you thinking about right this second? :
my arms hurt

what were you thinking about last night before you went to sleep? :
hmmmmmm I'm tired I want someone to sleep with ahahaha

who was the last person you called? :
Elma

what's the closest thing to you that's pink? :
My women genders study book...Ironic ahaha

when was the last time you were really mad? :
ooooo this week

what color shirt are you wearing?:
black and white

do you believe that in the end, everything will fall into place?:
Yes

what kind of hair spray do you use? :
Mmmmm I don't really use hair spray

what channel do you watch most on your tv? :
mmmmm abc family,vh1, mtv etc

do you trust all of your friends? :
If they are my friend then yes

who do you talk to everyday, no matter what? :
Friends and hmmmm I use to text some people everyday....bastard

what is your full name? :
Charissa Lauryn Gonzalez

what sports do you play? :
Soccer, basketball, baseball, football, etc (just for fun)

how many pictures do you have up in your room?:
one

where did you go the last time you left your house?:
Elma's

have you said anything mean to anyone today?:
Hmmmm no i don't think so

when was the last time you made fun of someone?:
Today ahahahahah

can you forgive and forget? :
Yeah...but its really hard

is there anyone that has the power to make you happy no matter what?:
Yeah always

would you rather be the one getting cheated on or the cheatie?:
Cheating is stupid why would I choose either?!

Idea
You're a
Pretty
Idea

Pretty
Oh so
Pretty

Why don't
You come over
Anymore?

Romance
Take a chance
Trust me though
It won't last

Lies
You're
Pretty
Lies

Pretty
Oh so
Pretty

I don't
Have to
Know anything

They start
Off small
But grow
Tall

Secrets
You're so
Pretty
Secrets

Pretty
Oh so
Pretty

We keep
Them from
Each other

What we hide
Can't be that
Bad, unless
It is

Pretty things
Such pretty
Things we do
To each other

Use me
Tease me
Fool me
Love me
Hurt me
Fake out

I do the same
The same
Pretty things

We
Were so
Pretty
We were
Pretty

Indecision
What's the matter
Why won't they listen

Child Child
Child Child
Grow up please
Grow up for me

Take a stance
Get the chance
Outside your comfort
You'll grow more
Don't you know
Oh child
Hear us

Child Child
Child Child
Don't fear
Don't fear the old

Bills to pay
Things to say
Say them
Forget the rules
When it comes to them

Why won't they
Listen
Why don't they
Understand

Child Child
Child Child
We look for your
Future plans

Trust us
Trust in me
Grow but
Not to big
And not to far
From me

Child Child
Child Child
Hold on
Hold on to me please

No solution
Nothings wrong
Let go

Rush rush
Dash dash
Down the aile
Put a ring
On and hear bells

What a beautiful
Day
Such a lovely
Day

Tell all the
Kids they can
Be just as happy
If they find the one
The one

Spend the rest of your
Life
In his arms
'Till you die
Happy ending
And then you die

Stanza after stanza
I say the same old
Thing

Line after line
I wish for somthing
New

Word after word
I look for insight
Into life

Syllable after syllable
I makes sounds that speak
To my sould

Letter after letter
I hope you see who
I am

I'm trying to
And I think I've
Finally got the
Hang of it
I've let you go

Thought I'd spend
The rest of my life
Waiting for you
Holding out for you
Now I know to let go

It was hard
Thought the rain
Would never stop
Falling
But then today
The ice started melting

I still feel it
Time from time
But that's just memories
That follow me
And forever I will
Hold them dear
My friend
My first

Well just let me
Know if so
I'll be waiting
Right here
For your smile
Again

Well let me
See your face
Heading toward mine
I ain't moving
Anytime soon

Well let it
Be so
How many times
I wished it play out
Like in the snow
Falling so softly

Well let this song
Sing you and me
To sleep
Hopefully through
This wall you
Can see
How badly I wish
For it to be this way
Forever more

Well let it
Just let it be

Maybe I'm crazy
Yes it's true
Let's not try
To pretend I'm not

Maybe I'm a fool
Yes it's true
I fell for you
Even when you said not to

Maybe I'm insane
Yes it's true
I chased you
When you didn't want me too

Maybe I'm oblivous
Yes it's true
I don't see
Everything they see in me

Maybe I'm seeing
Yes it's true
I'm seeing
Seeing for the first time

Chasing time
Was never enough
To get you to notice

Chasing nights
Was never going
To get you to see me

Chasing days
Was never going
To make a difference to you

Chasing songs
Was never going
To get you to listen

Chasing you
Was never going
To be worth everything
I deserve

So here I sit
Ice up past
My shoulders
Breath outside
Myself
Bubbles ready
To be filled with
Words needed
To be said

So here I wait
Sun beating on
My shoulders
Sweat of ghosts
Past
Tears not
Cried because
We don't have the
Guts to say good-bye

So here I leave
The leaves blow away
Past my shoulders
Words flowing quickly
Away
Now's the time
To let you go
I just wish you
Knew why

It all makes sense
The time you gave me
Your days were free
Because she broke your
Heart

It all makes sense
The times you called
You were wondering
If I'd open more than
One door

It all makes sense
The words you said
Coaxing me
Fooling me
I fell hard

It all makes sense
You didn't want to try
We promised
It wasn't a waste
But I was wrong

It all makes sense
Even after the fact
You had moved on
And I returned sore
Broke from sense
I should have had

So here here
Is where I hear
I'm lost
I'm found
And still the
World turns round
Walking up
Walking down
I hope it's better
Where ever I end up

But there there
Is there a sound
I'm confused
I'm clear
And still nothing
Works out
Waking up
Wake up
Is all I have to
Get me out of bed

And still still
I continue on
I'm there
I'm here
I'm no where
But today
Not tomorrow
Is when I fix
This hallow wall

Sweet Nothings

Sweet memories
Mixed with bitter truths
Your hands on me
Just like they should be
I picture so many things
But they all burn out
If only you could commit
If only I could see

Sweet breaths
Mixed with unsaid words
If they were meant
To be heard they'd be spoken
Your laying next to me
I won't keep you out
The closest anyones been
And still you won't come in

Sweet sighs
Mixed with unequal emotions
My heart beats silently
Your's thunders out
I won't say a word
I'll only kiss you now
And let you go

Sweet eyes...Sweet smile
Mixed with an unfinished goodbye
In all reality
I knew this was no fantasy
I'll take care
If you promise
Promise
To forget it all

If I had any words to say
I'd say them all
If I had any doubts
I'd have stayed at home
If I had any dreams
Well then you just crushed them all
If I had any hopes in you
I'd wish they were true
If I had any sense
I would have saved my heart
If I had any thoughts
I'd look back and erase them all
If I had guts
I'd tell you off
And walk away

And suddenly I'm in a black hole
Where your light is all
Fuck that time
And the day you called
Fuck that day
And the day you stalled
Fuck those words
And that day you didn't call
Fuck that I tried
And you didn't try at all
Fuck that I trusted
Even if it didn't seem like
It at the time
Fuck that I fucked you
You fucked me overall

It’s as if disappearing wouldn’t be such a bad thing…In the end I will be fine…I just have to live on and realize are the way they are…even the shitty ones…and maybe someday that will change. Some people are meant to stay in your life forever and some are only meant to make an appearance…I wish some of them would stay…I wish they wanted to stay…I wish they put more effort into something that could have been so easy…something so natural…at least to me. But this is life and I will have to accept it…I accept how you didn’t try to kiss me good-bye…How you didn’t say what this all meant…How you didn’t have the balls to say no when you knew how crazy I was for you…How you will never own up to what you really wanted…all you ever wanted. Good-bye…catch me if you can.